Mixed-orientation relationships: when your partner is LGBT+ and you’re not

While I frequently support members of the LGBT+ community in my practice, either individually or in a couples setting, I also support a related but often unrecognized group: cisgender heterosexual individuals who are in relationship with a spouse or partner who comes out as LGBT+ during the course of that relationship. In the support world, these are “mixed-orientation relationships” and the cis/het individual is often referred to as a “straight spouse” (or straight partner, if not married).  

The experience of being partnered in a heterosexual relationship with a person who identifies as LGBT+ is a complicated one. Sometimes the cis/het partner had no idea of their partner’s LGBT+ identity when entering into the relationship. Other times, that identity may have been disclosed early, while not necessarily constituting an incompatibility at the time—for example, one partner may identify as bisexual, then later identify more closely with gay or lesbian orientations. Sometimes an LGBT+ partner may not come out at all, instead opting, for a variety of reasons, to stay in the closet.

Any of these scenarios can pose significant challenges to a relationship, and difficulties for both partners. 

I’ve supported straight spouses/partners for several years—first as a volunteer with a national organization, and now as a counselor in private practice. It’s a unique experience that can easily be misunderstood or invalidated by those unfamiliar with it. Straight spouses often lived for months or years in a relationship believing there was something wrong with them to cause their partner to seemingly lose interest or behave differently toward them. Some describe an overwhelming sense of disorientation, wondering what pieces of the relationship were “real” if this very significant element—their partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity—was not what they understood it to be. Some struggle with a tremendous sense of grief and loss, regardless of whether the relationship continues and on what terms. The LGBT+ partner in this mixed-orientation relationship experiences a wide range of emotions as well–many of them excruciatingly difficult–while often simultaneously navigating the coming out process.

If you are either of these people, know that you are not alone. 

If you need help processing the realization that you are in a mixed-orientation relationship, or seek support in finding your way forward–either as an individual or as a mixed-orientation couple–please contact me. I would be happy to talk with you about how counseling could help either or both of you to navigate this experience.